Day 3: Sleep on the bed the wrong way and Day 4: play opera

Okay, I'm a day behind, but I have a good reason for it. I decided to sleep on my bed the wrong way for Day 3. I know that sounds like a ridiculous cop-out, but hear me out. I've slept the same way on the same side of my bed as long as I've had my mattress (3+ years). I've formed a dent in it, I've slept in the same position so many times. It's become a physical rut. Sometimes I try to spread myself out, but the rut is so strong, I usually just roll down into it. Sometimes a friend will stay the night in my bed, and I'm afraid gravity will force us to cuddle.

So for Night 3, I put my pillow at the foot of my bed and slept on the other half. It was odd. It made me realize the night routine I have, which people usually don't think about unless they HAVE to HAVE it a certain way. I don't think I slept any differently, but waking was rather disorienting. Combined with the wisps of a dream where I was traveling, it was like waking up in a new bed. I woke up just as groggy as ever, but it made the day feel like an exception, not the rule. I did all the same things, but everything felt kind of perkier. It might have had to do the vanilla beans I bought (hello, new activity!) or the stack of cds I bought for cheap, but I felt vaguely excited.

So... perhaps I've invented the micro-micro-microscopic vacation? I feel like this classifies me a bit as a weirdo, like when Jeff Murdoch admitted to eating ice cream to numb his tongue so it felt like someone was making out with him.

Day 4 is not really something quite 100% new, because a week before I started doing the 30 new things in 30 days, I went and played in the orchestra pit for an opera company. So tonight was not the first performance I've had with a singer, but this performance and the performances I played in last week made such an impact on me, it would be a sin to not talk about it. Since playing, I have

1. not been able to stop listening to opera
2. wished orchestras were more theatrical and dramatic
3. started watching The Merry Widow as a form of rom-com
4. wished for more physical manifestations of the joys of playing violin

The singer we played with tonight was fantastic, with a personality to match her vibrant voice. She sang beautifully, her facial expression displaying the emotions of the words she sang. She read the lyrics translations out loud to us, awed by their meaning. Emotion just burst from her.

Singing is also something that I feel uninhibits the body more, which can be good or bad. I get back cramps when I play violin for too long, and yet when I'm really nervous, I don't know where to look, and my own eyes end up making my own fingers self-conscious. In opera, this singer went from singing with her arms crossed in front of her to flinging her arms about. The opera company that I played with was theatric. They kissed, they laughed, they held each other in their arms. Add a level of theatre (not to mention good-looking people), and suddenly we have the emotional heartstrings from theatre on top of already emotional music. Suddenly, my violin playing felt dull. Sure, there was something you could feel, but you didn't see or feel love. You didn't see the interaction, or the thoughts of a soliloquey.

Watching the singer today, I was reminded of one violinist I particularly like. I remember reading a review where she was described as playing ferociously, her face contorted in pain. Occasionally she would cry out or yelp with pain. I remember practice sessions from when I was young where I'd come out dripping in sweat, too exhausted to play another note.

The concert we played tonight ends the first concert in our series for my orchestra. The second one (no joke, I'm not trying to make a coincidence) is one where I'm soloing. So now is the time for me to harness everything I've learned from this to make the best performance I can.

Day 2: do 100 push-ups

So, I took an easy one today because my schedule was pretty busy. And by "easy" I mean "can be done without having to go outside in less than 15 minutes." A hundred push-ups is by no means an easy task. I have no upper body strength, and I dove into it without really doing any warm-ups. Don't congratulate me either, though. I attempted to do it in 10 sets of 10.

The reason why I did this was to start to edge myself towards that line where you almost can't make it. And as I was feeling my push-ups getting progressively weaker and my breaks getting longer, I realized I was taking the easy way out. Sure, this is tiring. Sure, I will pay for this in the morning. But I did it. And the pain was only temporary. Next time I'll have to reach a little farther.

Day 1: join a dating website

Okay, I'll admit it. My first new thing is probably the biggest one. I joined an online dating website. I haven't dated anyone in almost 3 years, so I figured it's worth a try.

I'd like to address my confidence for a moment here. Overall, I'm outwardly a very confident person around people I know well. To my high school friends and co-workers, I have this feeling of control that exhilarates me when I come back home for vacations. I love it. It's almost like they contain a part of me, and I only really get to live out this part of me when I'm with them.

Now, on to the unconfident part of me. A week ago, I was working with someone who I thought was attractive, and it wasn't the fact that I was attracted to him and knew he wasn't my type that really bothered me. It was the fact that I immediately assumed right off that bat that I would not exist to him. Cue every typical teenage comedy from the 80's. After a pep talk with my high school friends, I realized it's not that I don't have control over the situation, it's that I don't take control over the situation. I could probably talk to most guys that I normally would think I don't have a chance with and probably up the odds a little. I simply don't.

So... the dating website. It's weird having to make a campaign for yourself as a romantic partner in 6 paragraphs. It strangely enough reminds me of writing my college essays, and I find myself trying to combine intellectual material, quirky personality traits, and a comedic yet smooth writing style for a majority of people who will respond with "hi how r u?" in a mass email.

I feel like this is still the easy part, though. Upload a picture of yourself and brave yourself against the wash of interest from guys. Meeting people, trying to keep up conversation, even gambling with your emotions- that's going to be the real sticky patch. We'll have to cross that bridge when we get there.

On a side note, my greatest fear in joining a dating website is that I'll find a co-worker on it. Done and done. I'm not sure whether to laugh over it or feel relieved that it happened.

30 New Things in 30 Days

I've decided to try 30 new things in 30 days, starting the first of November. I'm trying to think of things that'll be fun, push me out of my comfort zone, or force me to become more of the person I'd like to be.

Let's see how it goes!

7. The Longevity of Awkwardness

I used to associate awkwardness as a whole with the awkwardness you had as a teenager around the time that they'd make a coming-of-age movie about you. College students are trying a little bit of everything to figure out what they love. People are still making horrible, blatantly flirtatious gestures to candidates who are obviously not interested. When I was pre-college, my only thought was "I just gotta make it to college." I worked so hard, and then maybe I could take a little bit of a breather.

I say this on a Friday night where I've worked late to celebrate the end of a whole of week of working late. It's a little bit like running sprints instead of a marathon, and I've got to learn how to pace myself better.

Similarly, I realized earlier this month that awkwardness isn't "just a phase." It used to be my firm belief that I'd learn social interactions. If I was being awkward, it's okay, because someday I won't be! I recognized in myself the potential for enjoyable, comfortable social dialogues. But then I had one of those "who-goes-into-the-door-first-indecision-for-5-minutes" scenarios with a sophisticated supervisor at work. And that's when it kind of hit me: it never goes away. Master every social interaction, and there will still be new ones. Move into the most sophisticated circles, and you will still always meet people whose actions and intentions you can't control.

I feel like the solution to this is actually to lower my standards. And although that has a negative connotation, I feel like it's a good breather in that I finally can relax a little.

6. Drama

I've recently started with a film group, and to keep our writing skills sharp, we've been doing weekly writing assignments. And thus I take a dive into dramatic writing! My relationship with drama has been rather up and down. As a child I loved dramatic stories, particularly as I did not get out very much, and thus had to live vicariously through my dolls the way I imagine some parents live vicariously through their children. In high school, however, the hormones hit, and my entire group of friends probably synched up our periods and I got all the dosage of drama I could ever want. I began to lean towards indie dramas and comedies, light-hearted takes on the world. My favorite characters were the emotionally dead ones being re-awakened.

Now that things have stabilized a bit, I find writing dramatically to be quite fun. Particularly if you write about it, what's interesting is how it'll enter your life sporadically. I imagine constant drama to be the roller coaster ride of a soap opera. Intermittent drama comes up with scenarios that leave these awkward transitional periods before and after. For example, consider the following:

I decided to write a piece about a couple fighting, so to get myself into character and the mood, I watched clips of Revolutionary Road. It's very well-directed, and so the drama gets to you. It does, however, also leak into whatever other conversations you might be having. So a motivational speech I was giving a friend went from "You can do it!" to

You should totally go for it! I don't see why you haven't! There will always be uncertainty, and it's up to YOU to get over it!! THESE ROAD BLOCKS YOU HAVE ARE ONLY IN YOUR MIND!! YOU WILL NEVER LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST IF YOU LIVE THIS WAY!!! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF??? WHY??? WHY???

I imagine my friend, while motivated, was also very confused. I, on the other hand, was dramatically amused.

5. Veganism

I've recently decided to try out veganism, a statement which has elicited huge responses from everyone I know. The most common I get is "Noooooooo! Why???" and my favorite response so far is "Get ready for some of the best BM's of your life!" I started it a little bit on a whim, just to see what it was like and to see how I coped with restricting a habit that comes to me so naturally. Unfortunately, the phrases "recreational veganism" and "experimental veganism" don't register with most people. When I first announced it, I was given warnings of people who knew vegans that were bitchy and of people who had become anemic after trying vegetarianism. It felt as if being a vegan in a cafeteria full of delicious meats and cheeses was more of a mind game than a physical restriction. Meat is just too tempting, and I started to feel as if veganism was along the lines of solitary confinement.

Frightened but determined to try, I wove an overly elaborate and complicated safety net of co-workers checking my moodiness levels and various dietary exceptions. The main exception I'm making for myself is milk, simply because I've grown up drinking multiple cups of it a day and refuse to let myself become lactose intolerant. Fearful I wouldn't make it more than a week, I then began other exceptions. Second week I'll allow myself eggs. Third week I'll allow myself dairy. Fourth week I'll allow myself fish. If I go insane, my friends have volunteered to swoop in and treat me to meat the night I break down. Finally, my vegetarian friend readied me for my adventure into the land of veganism by sending me various links for recipes that I could try out. It was like one of those dramatic adventure movies where as a person wraps his cloak around him, his mentor hands him a bag full of some magical potion which happens to be just the thing he needs for the climax of the film. I was ready.

My descent into veganism was actually incredibly anti-dramatic. If anything, it made me aware of the fact that I don't cook or eat a lot of meat at home. The main barrier is at work, where we have a cafeteria with pre-determined entrees, soups, salad bar fixings, and sandwich fixings. Suddenly I find myself checking ingredients for bags of chips and questioning the vegan value of esoteric ingredients like whey powder. Meat is actually surprisingly easy to avoid because it's usually very obvious when it's served. What gets to me are the little things, cheese on pastas and mayonnaise in salad dressings and eggs snuck into dessert foods, which for the most part, I've given up.

My first few days I acted as if veganism was some healthy cure-all. A friend asked if I'd been losing weight, to which I responded with "I'm vegan now! I've been vegan for a whole day!" He replied with "I don't think that has to do with it." I look at my stomach fat and cry out "How can this be? I'm vegan!" or question if I have stomach pains "Must be my body getting the meat out of its system!" I know in my mind the truth about veganism's slow affect, but something about the whole situation amuses me immensely.

It's actually affected my mood for the better. I was eating some really good beans on my salad, and my brain cried out "I love veganism!". The next day I had a similar experience eating hummus. I ignore the responding voice of "you know, you can still eat that if you're not vegan" and just try to stay positive. Sometimes I find myself in a great mood, and wonder if I secretly have been eating what appears to be innocent but are in reality meat-filled ingredients. I question whether I sleep walk to the fridge and eat handfuls of my roommate's meat and dairy products.

There are times when I am tempted. For example when I went out to eat with friends at an IHOP. Some of my friends have made fun of me and I've forbidden other people from finding out about it lest I get the "meat is GOOD!!" lecture, complete with manly grunts. I pride myself that I haven't gotten vegan substitutes for things like butter and cheese. But sometimes as I raise my hand to the offer of meat and say, quite simply, "I'm vegan," I keep it low-key. And for the time being, that works.